Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
