I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
