Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
