i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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