I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
