I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
