I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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