we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
