Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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