No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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