Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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