I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
