ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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