The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
