My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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