I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
