I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
