Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
