I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
