Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The air was thick with penises
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
