Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
