Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
