I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We're too hungover to prance.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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