Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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