At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
