I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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