o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
