WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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