What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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