dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
