When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
