i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
