I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
