Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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