I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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