My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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