Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
