What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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