every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
