wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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