My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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