I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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