Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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