it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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