dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
