hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
