If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
