just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just invented taco cereal.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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