Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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