WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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